Dear Peter

Seven weeks have passed. I am in the new routine that is a lot like breaking in a new pair of shoes: almost comfortable but not quite.

I kept wishing for happiness in these seven weeks, and realized that the longing was keeping me stuck. I found a Buddhist saying that I repeat many times during the day: “Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.”

I didn’t fully appreciate what you and I had when you were living. We were so comfortable, I took it for granted. One of us dying seemed years away.

Carter’s funeral was several days ago. It was in a church, and I admit I struggled with the Christian hymns and passages from the New Testament, because as you know I left Christianity when I was 12 and went searching, as you did, for a larger spiritual perspective. Carter’s family needed the traditional funeral and I get that. We really needed to be in some bar, telling Carter stories. She loved a good party and a couple of shots of bourbon.

We had a nice thunderstorm yesterday, we so needed the rain. Actually had puddles for about 30 minutes. It has been relentlessly hot, the air thick as velvet, the dogs glued to every fan and air conditioning vent in the house. We haven’t had to mow the fields or paddocks since you passed. I sat on the porch, watched waves of rain sweep over the pastures, a bath for the trees, leaves drip drip drip, enjoyed every moment of wind blown rain getting me wet, a cleansing.

I know what you would have done. You would have been outside in the rain in your shorts and bare feet, dancing in the wet grass, then padding back into the house with your wet muddy feet, a trail of your footprints across the floor. I miss those muddy tracks of yours.

Calvin has finished the shed row floor. It is beautiful. Will no doubt outlast me as well as the new roof he put on it. I wish you could see it.

Saw the first bluebird of the summer at the feeder. So happy to see that little dude. We have a bunch of young cardinals and the goldfinches are regular customers but not in the numbers they used to be. We have some flickers, downy woodpeckers and at least one pileated woodpecker. The cowbirds are here en masse, the crows fly in during the late afternoon, lots of wrens and mockingbirds, and of course our resident red wing blackbirds and bluejays. I am very grateful for the wild birds they bring me winged happiness.